He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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