Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
