we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
