I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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