Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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