my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
