my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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