then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
how can u be prego again
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
