we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
