I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
