im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize