i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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