He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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