I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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