I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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