Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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