i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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