found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Randomize
