He managed to light the Jello on fire...
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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