I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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