I looked at my own cervix.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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