It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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