i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
