Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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