Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
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