in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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