so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize