You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
