i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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