really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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