where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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