Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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