I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
