taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
