It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
