dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
