I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize