mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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