I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
