I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
