how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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