I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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