im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
