8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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