i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
