I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
