He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
