omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
