I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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