3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize