Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
