Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
