If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
