the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I could make wine with my vomit
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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