OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
