Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
