mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Randomize
