I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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