Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
